Presenting the short that started the An Orthogonal Universe project.
A Brief History of the Wiener Dog
Original Compilation Date: Spring 2003
Even as far back as the last centuries B.C, the wiener dog astounded the populations of the world. Many carvings in stone walls and caves depict the mysterious “giant dachy”, a wiener dog not much smaller than a house. They were feared creatures, often worshipped as gods. Though their overall size has decreased by far, their shape is still similar to the wiener dogs of today.
The ancients described the creature as “of generous proportions of length relative to width and height.” Though no one knows for sure what happened to the giant dachy, it is hypothesized that natural selection took its toll, leaving a much smaller breed adequately sustained by a decreasing food supply. A few maintain that they were all abducted by aliens, perhaps in exchange for pyramids. Nevertheless, their disappearance came as good news to the first cities, which no longer needed dachy lookouts. These massive towers were adorned with elaborate images of the dachy, and their decline is a disappointment to many enthusiasts of ancient sculpture and craftsmanship.
Smaller wiener dogs became popular as pets amongst the nobility of the middle ages. Lords and barons were known to keep hundreds of them in private forests. Kings may have thousands. Their possession became a show of wealth and power. By the 12th century, many kingdoms outlawed a person of lower status having a wiener dog. This act led to much uproar in the American colonies during the 17th century. A little known fact about the Declaration of Independence is that it originally read, “Life, liberty, and equal possession of wiener dogs.” Jefferson, an obvious dachshund enthusiast, was asked to change the line to its current form by his peers. He argued, “When you find a wiener dog, you find a very good thing.” But others agreed that “pursuit of happiness” would make for better history. Many historians joke they were victims of giant dachy attacks in their former lives.
In the states, the wiener dog became popular as a household pet during the latter half of the 19th century. Their international appeal, however, did not take off until the early 20th century, when a U.S. over-population of wiener dogs lead to their export and re-introduction into Europe, East Asia, Africa, and Australia. Despite their popularity, wiener dogs did not spread into the Middle East until the mid 1990’s. Low on oil reserves, the U.S. started its “Oil for Wiener Dogs” program. Though they made excellent pets, the people needed food. The program was changed to “Oil for Food” shortly after the introduction of the previous program. Nevertheless, wiener dogs had returned to the Mesopotamia region once again, the first time since the extinction of the giant dachy.